The Adventures of Ambyr Hyllari Parris
by Science Fantasy
Summary: Ambyr Hyllari Parris was a normal 15 year old girl... WAIT. STOP. Tired of reading fanfics that sound like that? Then read this story for the best Worst Fanfic Ever! PARODY.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Adventures of Ambyr Hyllari Parris

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Wars.

**The Real Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Wars.

**Ok, I'm serious this time: **I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters or places mentioned in the books/movies. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and/or Peter Jackson. Everything I made up in this story (unfortunately) belongs to me. THIS STORY IS A PARODY. It's something I made up to amuse my friend on the phone one day, and it's supposed to be making fun of everything I hate about bad fanfiction. I didn't make any money writing this thing. No one in their right mind would pay me to write it, anyway. For some reason, this story sounds a lot better when you read it while listening to the Tiesto Remix of "He's a Pirate" (which I also don't own).

**The basics of this parody: **The whole story is a parody of a bad LotR fanfiction. It's sheer awfulness is meant to AMUSE you, and should NOT be taken seriously. EVER. The story makes fun of Mary Sues, stories with horrible grammar, and writers that take them selves way too seriously. It was never meant to offend anyone, I'm just having a little fun.

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**Chapter One: In my Own Wordz (omg, lol!)**

"Hello, my name is Ambyr Hyllari Parris, and I am a normal 15 year old girl. OMG, I love Orlando Bloom. He's so SEXXXXXXXY (don't tell my mom I said that word, though). I grew up in London, England and plan to stay there for as long as I live, LOL. At least, I did, until…………………. IT happened. I don't know why whatever totally mysterious comic forces transported me to that awesome fantasy world, why they chose me, or why it happened at 3:12pm or something, or even why I had to leave… but all I know is that I will never forget what happened to me. NEVER. Like, for as long as I live, I'll remember this. And I only hope, that someday whatever mysterious forces of mysteriousness that took me to that place will let me return there again…"

-Ambyr Hyllari Parris, in a statement to some Paranormal Investigator guy who came after all the stuff in this story happened.

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OMG, FIRST CHAPTERRRRR! PLZ REVIEW! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **The Adventures of Ambyr Hyllari Parris

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Wars.

**The Real Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Wars.

**Ok, I'm serious this time: **I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters or places mentioned in the books/movies. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and/or Peter Jackson. Everything I made up in this story (unfortunately) belongs to me. THIS STORY IS A PARODY. It's something I made up to amuse my friend on the phone one day, and it's supposed to be making fun of everything I hate about bad fanfiction. I didn't make any money writing this thing. No one in their right mind would pay me to write it, anyway. For some reason, this story sounds a lot better when you read it while listening to the Tiesto Remix of "He's a Pirate" (which I also don't own).

**Do you get it:** Yes, the whole story is a parody from which there is no escape. There are no jokes or punchlines, just awful writing at its best. The plauge of this chapter: when people don't make new paragraphs, even when there's dialog going on. Yes, there is finally going to be some LotR now. Like all bad fanfictions, when Aragorn speaks, it will be overly-heroic and capslocked. And when Legolas speaks, it will be the most disgusting psuedo-romantic drabble I've written (and I'm just awful about that kind of thing). Also, the chapter names are rediculously silly... just like everything else in this parody.

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**Chapter Two: Awakened to a NEw Life**

Ambyr Hyllari Parris was a totally normal 15 year old girl. Ambyr Hyllari Parris has blue eyes, and blonde hair that she always wears in piggytails. She's really pretty and looks a lot like Christina Aguilera. One day, Ambyr Hyllari Parris was walking home from school. Ambyr Hyllari Parris has lived in London, England for all her life, but for some reason speaks with a really girly Southern accent. She is flitting home from school at 3:12pm, and it is raining. Being the clever girl Ambyr Hyllari Parris is, Ambyr Hyllari Parris is wearing her favorite pink leopard print rain coat, her favorite pink GOU-lashes, and is carrying her favorite pink Hello Kitty umbrella. It was raining really hard, so there was a puddle of mud in the road. Ambyr Hyllari Parris stepped in it, and one of her pink GOU-lashes got stuck there and came off her foot. "Oh my goodness gracious!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris exclaimed, "My favorite pink GOU-lash! Oh, I just KNEW that something bad would happen to me today!1!" Then some lightening crashed, and the thunder was really loud. "Oh, I do wonder whatever else will happen to me next, as I have the strangest feeling that something really really really important is about to happen." Just then lightning struck Ambyr Hyllari Parris's Hello Kitty umbrella, and she DISSAPEARED.

"What, where am I?" Ambyr Hyllari Parris sighed. She woke up in a bed in a really nice room. But the weirdest part was, she was totally naked! "Why, Princess Ambyr Hyllari Parris, don't you remember?" A maid said, running into the room. "I'm ever so sorry, but I'm afraid that I do not remember anything except walking home from school in that ever so dreadful storm." "AMBYR HYLLARI PARRIS, MY LOVE! AWAKE AT LAST, ARE WE!" Aragorn said in a Shakespearean accent, dashing into the room. "OMG! Who are you?" Ambyr Hyllari Parris started yelling really loud. "You can't be in here! I'm not decent! You have to leave right this instant""NOIWILLNOT!" Aragorn said, "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO, AMBYR HYLLARI PARRIS!1" Just then another maid ran in. She looked exactly like the other maid. The second maid said "Aragorn, orcs are approaching the city (OMFG)! If everyone doesn't leave now, everyone will die, even you! It's…. it's…."

SONG BREAK!

Michael Stipe jumps up and starts singing "It's the end of Gondor as we know it! It's the end Gondor as we know it! It's the end of Gondor as we know it… and I feel fine!" The maids do the Macarena in the background

SONG BREAK OVER!

"Oh my, whatever are we going to do!" Sobbed Ambyr Hyllari Parris. She was really scared. "WELL, OBVIOUSLY I CAN NOT LEAVE THE CITY BECAUSE I MUST STAY HERE WITH MY BELOVED AMBYR HYLLARI PARRIS! I WILL FIGHT THE ORC HORDE -- ………………. TO THE BITTER END, IF I MUST!" said Aragorn. "Oh noez!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris said, rising from the bed. She was now wearing a frilly pink prom dress from the 80's (omg, the golden age of music, LOLZ!). She danced on her tippy-toes over to the second maid who was totally identical to the first. "Oh, whatever am I ever to do to save this kind man who I don't remember but appears to be head over heels in love with little ol' me!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris asked. The maid looked at her, then said in a voice that was both feminine and really foreboding "Ambyr Hyllari Parris, you are the only hope we have to save Aragorn." The maid flailed her arm really weird. "You must make him believe that you do not love him flail so that he'll leave the city flailflailflail." "OMG!1!1!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris said then she danced on her tippy-toes back over to Aragorn and then said "Oh, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of a different Arathorn, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of another Arahad, son of Araglas, son of a different Aragorn than the one I'm talking to, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, son of Arvedui, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg, son of Arvegil, son of Argeleb, son of Araphor, son of yet another Arveleg, son of the first Argeleb, son of Malvegil, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith, son of Eärendur, son of Elendur, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil, son of –" With that, Ambyr Hyllari Parris ran out of air and fainted (omg, I bet you didn't know that I knew that you didn't know that I knew 3,000 years worth of Aragorn's ancestors. OMG, HAX N00BS!).

"Oh my good golly goshness, what a trip" Ambyr Hyllari Parris said as she regained consciousness. "Do not worry, my love, for it is I, your one and only true love and soul mate, Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood who has saved your most precious life." "Wait? What? Where's that other guy?" Ambyr Hyllari Parris asked. "What other guy, my love? There is only me, only you, only us. Oh, my darling, there will always be only us." "HUH?"

SONG BREAK!

_Baby, I'm so into you  
You got that somethin, what can I do  
Baby, you spin me around  
The Earth is movin, but I can't feel the ground _

Every time you look at me  
My heart is jumpin, it's easy to see

You drive me crazy  
I just cant sleep  
I'm so excited, I'm in too deep  
Ohh...crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin of you keeps me up all night

Tell Me, you're so into me  
That I'm the only one you will see  
Tell me, I'm not in the blue  
That I'm not wastin, my feelings on you

You drive me crazy  
I just cant sleep  
Im so excited, I'm in too deep  
Ohh...crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin of you keeps me up all night

Crazy, I just can't sleep  
I'm so excited, I'm in too deep  
Crazy, But it feels alright  
Every Day and Every Night

You drive me crazy  
I just cant sleep  
Im so excited, I'm in too deep  
Ohh...crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin of you keeps me up all night

You Drive Me Crazy (You drive me crazy baby)  
Ohh..Crazy, But It Feels Alright  
Baby Thinkin of you keeps me up all night  
Baby Thinkin of you keeps me up all night

-Britney Spears, "Crazy"

(like OMG, seriously, BritneySpearsshespeakstome. Her songs are soooooooooooooo meaningful LOL:D)

SONG BREAK OVER!

"Um, I still don't understand what is happening, but I'll try to save you anyway!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris declared heroically. "Save me? But, my love, my life, my happiness, my reason for not throwing myself from the battlements this very instant… It is I who must save you by defeating the evil orc horde, for you can not leave this city for reasons that were never fully explained. And they never will be. Ever." "Aw, ain't you just a sweet pea." Ambyr Hyllari Parris smiled. "But wait!" She said "I still have to save you! Please, leave this city! You won't survive the orcs's attack!" "Oh, Ambyr Hyllari Parris, my love, your concern for me makes me… it makes me so… so… HOTTTT!" "Pardon me?" "Oh, my lover, I must have you NOW!" Legolas threw her down on the bed. "But not in front of the maids!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris said. Then she fainted again. When she woke up again, both Legolas and Aragorn were standing over her. "I wish I were dead" Ambyr Hyllari Parris sighed. "Oh, My LoVe, I'm So GlAd ThAt YoU'rE aLrIgHt!" They said in unison. Suddenly, a third maid, who was exactly identical to the other two already standing in the room, ran in. "Legolas! Aragorn!" She cried, "The orcs have begun their attack! This is your last chance to fleeeeeeeeeeeee!" And with that, all three maids Cotton Eye Joe'd out the door. "I now know what I must do!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris exclaimed. "We MuSt Go To ThE bAtTlEmEnTs NoW! GoOdByE, aMbYr HylLaRi PaRrIs, My LoVe!" Legolas and Aragorn said in unison. "NO! Wait! I don't love you! Don't die trying to save me!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris cried, but it was too late because they had already left. "Shit."

They were on the battlements. Orcs were all around the city. Everything looked like it was doomed. Legolas and Aragorn stood alone on the battlements because everyone else was gone (those N00BS!). "WeLl, HeRe We ArE, oN tHe BaTtLeMeNtS." They said in unison. "Wait! Stop!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris jumped onto the battlements. "Please listen to me! I have to save you! We have to run away from the city! We'll die if we stay! We have to run away and live happily ever after forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever –" Ambyr Hyllari Parris fainted again, doing a perfect swan dive off of the battlements and into the horde of orcs. Luckily, right at that moment all the armies of Gondor and Mirkwood surrounded and (in a battle that has been deemed far too graphic and epic in nature for publication on killed all of the orcs, saving Ambyr Hyllari Parris from a cruel, cruel fate. If it wasn't for them, her fate would have been really cruel. "Oh, thank you brave soldiers! You saved me from a cruel, cruel fate! How can I ever thank you?" "Well, for starters you could—" The soldier said, but was interrupted when Legolas and Aragorn ballet jumped in front of him. "Oh, AmByR hIlLaRi PaRrIs, My LoVe, I nEeD yOu NoW! I nEeD yOuR sWeEt LoViNg, BaBy!" "Not in front of the soldiers!" "YeS, iN fRoNt Of ThE sOlDiErS!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris gasped: " OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!111!" Aralas (apparently they're one person now) then said "YeS, aMbYr HyLlArI pArRiS! I nEeD yOu NoW! EvEn If It Is In FrOnT oF aLl Of ThE sOlDiErS! ThEy NeEd To KnOw HoW mUcH i NeEd YoU!111111111!1!" "Can't you at least wait until we get ourselves up into the bedroom?" Ambyr Hyllari Parris asked Aralas. "Ok." Aralas said. "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!" said Ambyr Hyllari Parris.

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omg, the next chapter looks STEEEEEAAAAMMMMMYYYYY! LOL! Hope you like it! ;) 


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **The Adventures of Ambyr Hyllari Parris

**Disclaimer (abridged): **I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters or places mentioned in the books/movies. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and/or Peter Jackson.

**Things I'm about to make fun of:** Fanfics that are all dialog, and no action. Also,badly written graphic sex. This is where the story earns its rating, folks. You have been warned.

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**Chapter Three: dirty love-making**

"Oh, Ambyr Hyllari Parris, I love you."

"Oh, Aralas, I love you too. Touch me again!11!"

"Ambyr Hyllari Parris, I will make you(censored!) so many times your (oh no, bad words!)will fall off."

"Maybe not THAT much…"

"Oh, ok." Aralas said.

"OMG, take your pants off."

"I did."

"Holy shit, your (naughty word) is freaking HUGE! Oh yes! Do it again!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris said. "Wait, we have universal curse-bleeping here?"

"Totally." Aralas said. "Check it out.(Cursing and other bad things)."

"That was amazing."

"It makes me hottttt."

"ME TOO!"

-Sounds of questionable origin-

"Please put your (dirty words!)up my (more dirty words)!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris cried.

"SWEET."

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OMG, I TOLD YOU IT WAS STEAMY! THE N00Bz CAN'T HANDLE IT, LOLz!

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**Note:** Ok, seriously, that was disgusting. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: **The Adventures of Ambyr Hyllari Parris

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters or places mentioned in the books/movies. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and/or Peter Jackson. Everything I made up in this story (unfortunately) belongs to me.

**Note:** Yes, this is the last chapter. It's a short fic, so I saved all of my thank you's for last. So, thanks so much to my lovely reviewers: Psalm 136, Bullseye-Fanatic, Elvin BlueEyes, and Will-Write-For-Pocky. You guys rock! Also, I realize that there are no dividers in this chapter. I did it on purpose.

**Chapter Four: The Dusk of Dreaming (omg, sssssoooooo meaningful)**

Ambyr Hyllari Parris is flitting along the battlements at 3:12pm, and it is raining. Being the clever girl Ambyr Hyllari Parris is, Ambyr Hyllari Parris is wearing her favorite pink leopard print rain coat, her favorite pink GOU-lashes, and is carrying her favorite pink Hello Kitty umbrella; all of which had been found by the dwarves in the city brewery. It was raining really hard, so there was a puddle of mud on the battlements. Ambyr Hyllari Parris stepped in it, and one of her pink GOU-lashes got stuck there and came off her foot. "Oh my goodness gracious!" Ambyr Hyllari Parris exclaimed, "My favorite pink GOU-lash! Oh, I just KNEW that something bad would happen to me today!1!" Then some lightening crashed, and the thunder was really loud. "Oh, I do wonder whatever else will happen to me next, as I have the strangest feeling that something really really really important is about to happen." Just then lightning struck Ambyr Hyllari Parris's Hello Kitty umbrella, and she DISSAPEARED.

"Omgz, Ambyr Hyllari Parris!" The paramedic yelled in a totally British accent, zapping her with those clappy-things again. "LIVE! LIVE, DAMN YOU! I CAN'T LOOSE ANOTHER PATIENT THIS WEEK! QUICK! OTHER PARAMEDIC! CHARGE TO 600 JILLION! CLEAR!111111111!111!" He shocked her again.

"Whatever is going on here?" Ambyr Hyllari Parris asked, sitting upright. She was back where she started in London, on her way home from school.

"IT'S A MIRACLE! YOU SURVIVED THE LIGHTNING STRIKE, AMBYR HYLLARI PARRIS!" The paramedic yelled a bunch more.

"I guess I did." Ambyr Hyllari Parris said. "Oh, I wish I were dead."

"But you're not! How do you feel?" The medic asked her.

":p" said Ambyr Hyllari Parris.

xXx tHe EnD xXx


End file.
